When speaking to children, your word choice can have a big impact on them. Time Warner Cable News’ Jill Urban asked a therapist for some do’s and don’ts when speaking to children. She filed this report.
Many parents try to offer positive reinforcement and look to boost self-esteem in their kids, but even with the best intentions, sometimes the words we use can send the wrong message.
“When you are looking to discipline your kids or praise your kids, you need to choose your words very wisely because they internalize exactly what you are saying - especially smaller children. They hear only the concrete word: bad behavior or bad girl. They internalize that,” says child and adolescent family therapist Darby Fox.
She says we need to choose words that really say what we mean. We asked Fox to help clarify the right and wrong things to say. First, watch out of good or bad generalizations.
"One thing we hear often is good girl or bad girl. You really want to stay away from that because that labels the child,” she says. “What you want to focus on is behavior is bad. These little kids are always loveable despite what they may do.”
This also applies to praise and positive reinforcement. Telling kids they are the best at everything or the smartest in the class can actually set them up for failure.
“Because when they come up to something they can’t do or they are not the best, then they don’t know what to do. They look to blame someone else or they feel inadequate, so what we want to do instead is praise their effort or their strategy to solve a problem,” says Fox.
Many parents turn to sibling comparisons to motivate kids, like saying “If your younger sister can do that, so can you.” Fox says that sends the wrong message and implies one is better than the other. Instead, find out what motivates that child - maybe it is a race or a contest with a reward. That is better than comparison.
Lastly, she says the best way to get a child to do what you want is with controlled choices.
“I need you to clean your room now and then we will have time for a snack or if you choose not to clean your room before you leave, then we won’t have time for a snack. You choose,“ says Fox.
This makes the child feel empowered, but also helps them own the consequences.